Rebuilding & reckoning: where to go from here

Sometimes, well most of the time, I start writing exactly where I left off. And by left off, I mean left off of the train of thought in my own head. How is it all you keep up? Alas, you keep coming back. Or something. I don’t even know how many of you come back. I just know that I type out the feels, hit publish, wonder if I’ve said too much, and then four people comment. So, four of you keep coming back. Well, then there is the handful of you who mention something from my blog when I see you in-person and endure the awkward look I give you while my mind runs through the, “I’ve never told you that…. oh wait…. I wrote about that….. oh right….. it’s everyone’s now.” Thanks for enduring.

Then there is Sarah, who never comments, but often texts me with some quote from my recent post, along with a purple heart. It’s kind of our thing, the purple heart. 💜

In December of 2018 I started a Caring Bridge because what in the world was happening?! Beau was sick and we were inpatient and everyone wanted updates. But then his counts recovered and we drank champagne on that stupid window seat and laughed off that we ever even considered letting them do the bone marrow biopsy they suggested.

Gah, this picture still makes me want to throw-up. Little did we know the epic fucking shitstorm that was brewing. Sipping champagne like we’d cheated death, not knowing we had been hurtled off a cliff.

How sweet is this picture of Beau and Selah? Because trauma is a bitch, every single detail of it makes my skin crawl. 1 hour prior the doctor said, “it’s Leukemia.” The day before he was a little boy, but now he was a cancer kid.

Anyway, gosh, here we go again. Here I go again. I didn’t set out to talk about how every picture from Dec 2018 to now makes my skin feel a bit acidic, but it always seems to be where the keystrokes take me. And that does bring me back to the point. The point being that, at first, I updated people on Caring Bridge and then combined it with a blog that I’d had, but had not done anything with, and that is what ended us here. A bunch of you reading with very different reasons for doing so.

I suppose it’s about a 70/30 split. 70% of you here for updates because you love Beau, 30% of you here for lifelines, for a roadmap. Meanwhile I am here, 100%, just processing a lot of fucking trauma and wondering, almost, every time I hit “publish,” if I am too much.

It turns out, this is all entirely too much. The whole damn thing. The last 4 years have been entirely too much.

Too hard.

Too meaningful.

Too isolating.

Too beautiful.

Yesterday Jude randomly said, “Mom, we forget when we start remembering.” And I immediately ran to my computer to type it out because I had no idea what it meant, but the feeling it gave me ached my insides.

Last week I told Selah that I had to take Beaudin to an appointment later that afternoon. She asked, “For his leukemia? To philayellfia?”

“Nope, just the dentist.”

“Ok. Yup. Because he has cancer and the leukemia and all the doctors….” She said as she returned to playing, as though anything I had said would have confirmed what she already understood.

There aren’t as many updates now, just the exhale of four long, hard years.

I’ve been having more moments lately that end with me staring into the middle distance and whispering to myself, “wow….what just happened.” It’s not a question, but a reckoning.

God willing. God willing. God willing.

The content here will shift. It will be less white blood cells this and spinal fluid that and more of the slow, introspective swirl of a life I never imagined.

If you stop following as closely I won’t blame you. But I am unashamedly going to start writing less to you who read for updates and more to myself.

Rebuilding. It will take a while.

1 thought on “Rebuilding & reckoning: where to go from here”

  1. Good morning! I wanted you to know that I read every word. I’m not always sure how to respond. You bare your heart and soul and I try to understand your pain and suffering. But know this…..I’m a prayer warrior. That’s where I pour out my thoughts and beg and cry for healing. I’ve prayed over Beau and your family through the awful time and rejoice with you now. KEEP WRITING! You are amazing and the families in the fight for their loved ones need to hear you as they navigate this nightmare. May you feel God’s love and experience His peace as you live your lives! Enjoy all the craziness that comes with 3 kids!! Suke


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