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The Heavy Wait

The intersection of gratitude & lament during childhood cancer.

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Category: Faith

Empathy once desensitized

February 7, 2022February 16, 2022 summerofsilence2 Comments

I did the thing. The thing people do when they’ve become medically desensitized to pediatric cancer. The thing that when you are freshly diagnosed feels like something you would never, ever, be capable of because there is no way that any of this will ever feel normal. But after your child has had so many… Continue reading Empathy once desensitized →

Posted in Faith, General Cancer, HuCAR T

Road Rage

July 27, 2021July 27, 2021 summerofsilence8 Comments

To the guy who flipped me off merging on to the toll road this morning,  I’m sorry that I wasn’t paying close attention to the merging lanes. You’d think after driving this route, this many times, that I’d know the lanes merge together immedeatly after we cross over the bypass. As we leave the hustle… Continue reading Road Rage →

Posted in Faith, General Cancer, HuCAR T

Vic Gulas and Gram

June 26, 2021June 27, 2021 summerofsilence2 Comments

When I was in college I spent a lot to time doing the following: Partying, being hungover, and helping my grandma. I know, I know, one of these things is not like the others, but that was me. I partied hard, like real hard, like probably too hard. And I could often be found at… Continue reading Vic Gulas and Gram →

Posted in Faith, General Cancer

Eshet Chayil! in ink.

September 19, 2020September 19, 2020 summerofsilence2 Comments

February 2019 ✨Eshet Chayil!✨ a Hebrew phrase meaning Woman of Valor. February 2019 . In 2011 I joined a small group with the hope that I could endure the awkward small talk and perhaps make a friend. What I ended up with was entry into a 90’s ‘sisterhood’, what the hipsters now-a-day call ‘my tribe.’… Continue reading Eshet Chayil! in ink. →

Posted in Faith, Motherhood

Factory Plastic

August 8, 2020September 29, 2022 summerofsilence6 Comments

Part 3. (You can read Part 2 here, or Part 1 here.) Choosing Lunar Silver felt as stupid and necessary a choice as finding a different shimmery brown color than Sable. I pulled my shit together, crying hot tears over the color that I actually wanted, and went into the showroom. "Alright let's go with… Continue reading Factory Plastic →

Posted in Faith, Leukemia, Motherhood, The Mini Van Saga

Lunar Silver tears

August 7, 2020September 29, 2022 summerofsilence1 Comment

Part two. (You can catch up on Part One here.) Lunar Silver. That felt fancy. But really, I would just have said, "silver with a hint of blue." Which, actually, was why I didn't love it. It was the only van we found with all the details we wanted and needed, we had driven to… Continue reading Lunar Silver tears →

Posted in COVID19, Faith, Motherhood, The Mini Van Saga

Eyeshadow and Disinfecting

August 6, 2020September 29, 2022 summerofsilence2 Comments

2019 sucked. Sucked the life, the joy, the peace, the faith from us. It just plain sucked. I want a word that doesn't feel so uneducated, so trite. Use more refined vocabulary, Betsy. I was sure it'd go down as the worst year of my life. and IT SUCKED. Beau got cancer in January and… Continue reading Eyeshadow and Disinfecting →

Posted in COVID19, Faith, Motherhood, The Mini Van Saga

This wasn’t meant for you.

March 25, 2019March 27, 2019 summerofsilence4 Comments

“If you are going to be used by God, He will take you through a multitude of experiences that are not meant for you at all. They are meant to make you useful in His hands.” Oswald Chambers "Mom, why am I the only person in our family that has cancer?" Finally. Here we were.… Continue reading This wasn’t meant for you. →

Posted in Faith, Leukemia

God Math: How to half sorrow.

July 27, 2016July 29, 2016 summerofsilence1 Comment

My story tells of surviving grief by way friendship. Lines unintentionally written, a plot that unfolded in circumstance without planning. Friends carried my weight when I could carry nothing. Friends were God's hands and feet in the valley.  A reflection of the help from my friends: A friend called me the morning after, the morning I… Continue reading God Math: How to half sorrow. →

Posted in Faith

Home Going and the wind

July 26, 2016September 26, 2019 summerofsilence2 Comments

Tomorrow marks the 1 year anniversary of an event that changed my life more than any other event to date. Surprisingly, it's not the day I gave birth to my children, the day I married Josh, or any of those tender, sweet, life changing events that you feel like defines you. Tomorrow is that day… Continue reading Home Going and the wind →

Posted in Faith
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