Traveling with lovies

They knew I was leaving town for the night. Daddy and Jay were already out of town too- the waves of change felt unsettling for Beau’s slow and steady soul. And as a classic little brother, Jude was looking to Beau as his compass. Thus Jude was off course as well.
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So their lovies, reserved for bedtime, were invited along for school drop-off. Something soft and familiar to calm the seas, to get everyone in the boat (read: minivan) rowing the same direction (read: buckling their dang seatbelts.)

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School drop-off was weepy for the first time in weeks. A forced, brave kindergarten smile hiding big alligator tears, “I’ll be alone. I’ll be all alone,” Beau whispered as I kissed him good-bye. A couple tears escaped down his sweet cheeks.

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In that moment, my mama heart canceled my trip and resolved to never leave my firstborn’s side ever again. Ever. Quickly my rational self came back online and I resolved that the solution wasn’t to never leave, but to love him deeply for that moment and leave well.

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Words of affirmation and strong hugs.

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He cried as I left. I cried as I drove to the airport. You will love them so much it hurts. Nothing particularly wrong or going right, just mere existence as a mom will make your heart ache.

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I arrived at airport parking, and fixed my make-up. Tear streaks are no way to travel. I opened the back door to grab my suitcase and discovered their lovies, left behind.

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An unsettling night without their mama was going to now be void of their lovies.  I did the math, mom calculations, considering if I could get home to return their lovies and return in time to make my flight.

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I packed the lovies into my suitcase and went to board my plane.

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I arrived to the hotel that night and unpacked. Laid on the bed and adjusted the camera just so. 

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In a past life it was glam selfie’s to my man, now it’s tender selfie’s with my kids loveies sent grandma to soothe them while I’m away on a work trip. 

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Motherhood…well, it changes things. If you blink, you’ll miss the beauty in the character changes. Even if you don’t notice right away, some days you’ll just feel it. In your core, the place where the thought of being apart from them makes you sick. The tears that flow because you love them so much that it makes you feel unstable.

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Day over day the changes seem minuscule, often unnoticed, but one day you wake-up and your little caterpillar self is an amazing mama butterfly.